Sometimes, when no one can come with me I go alone on my fourwheel scooter. I park a few meters from the river – the water level is always on the rise – and drag myself in by hand. Those three meters feel endless. The fear and shame are louder than the effort itself, knowing people are watching.

I dont enjoy it. I stay about ten minutes in the cold water – long enough to buy myself a few good hours after. Because as hard as it is to crawl to the river, sitting at home on the sofa feels worse.