Imagine waking up and before you even sit up placing your legs straight into a bonfire. Not normal fire, an ice-cold fire. Burning and freezing at the same time. A sensation so extreme it doesn’t fit any word I know And it begins the minute you wake up. It stays until the minute you fall asleep. That is today 🤯😤🫣😓😡 I’m 22 years into PPMS. I can’t think my way out of this. But I can watch what it does inside me. The pain rises, the nervous system goes on alert. And the mind starts searching. It looks for someone to blame. It pulls toward anger about everyone. It builds arguments that feel justified. I see the waves clearly. Years ago I would have followed them. Said sharp things. Damaged relationships. I trained myself not to. Now I can feel rage move through me without turning it into a war outside. I can speak normally. Even smile. Even joke. That part took years. Today I carried this body into the gym. It was mission impossible. Trained the muscles that still work. Movement increases blood flow. Oxygen to the brain. Endorphins released. Natural painkillers. They help. Those are the only painkillers I can afford. Prescription neurological pain meds weaken me. They are anti-epileptic drugs. For me, the side effects are too extreme. Weed reduces the pain. But it weakens my muscles. And I need those muscles, I need to stand for a few seconds. Transfer. Walk from the sofa to the bathroom with the walker. If I sedate the pain, I lose function. So I don’t. Right now I’m on the sofa. Feet pressed against a fresh extremely hot water bottle. The heat overrides the ice fire pain. For a while, the signals quiet down. That is where I am today.